Setting effective boundaries requires more than just drawing a line in the sand. It takes more than just saying, "Don't step over this line or I will kick your butt!" In order to say what you mean, you must mean what you say. If and when the inevitable happens, and someone does step over the line and you have issued the previous warning, you must "kick their butt." If you do not, your warnings are worthless and your boundaries have collapsed like a sand castle under an ocean wave.
We teach people how to treat us. If you have issued warning after warning, and have not followed through, what do people learn? They learn that you are not serious. They learn that you are all talk and no go.
It is important to choose your follow-up action carefully. If you don't like to "kick butt", and really don't intend to follow through with that action, that is a poor action to choose. Follow-up action needs to be something that you are very comfortable with and that you intend to employ, if needed.
If someone is leaving messages on your phone and you don't want them to do that anymore, what are your options?
You can change your number.
You can call them and tell them to stop or else...
You can tell them that you refuse to listen to the messages and you are deleting them.
There are any number of things you can do. What feels right for you and what are you comfortable doing? What do you want?
There are no right or wrong answers. Just know, that if you choose to call them and tell them to stop, there is a good chance they will continue. Why? Because there is no reason for them not to. You are giving them more attention by calling them and speaking to them, which may be exactly what they want. And now, you are reinforcing their unwanted behavior. If you choose to draw the line in the sand and don't follow through, that is fine, but then you must accept the consequences of your actions.
If you truly want peace from their unsolicited actions, you must be prepared to follow through and back up your boundaries.
A suggestion would be: send them a message, via the phone or email (depending upon the situation, you may not want to talk with them directly. This depends upon whether or not it's a stalking-type or harassing behavior), and ask them to please stop leaving messages on your voice mail. Inform them that you find the messages uncomfortable and distasteful and that if they continue you will no longer be listening them and that they will be deleted immediately, and you will then report the behavior to authorities. (Putting all of this in writing in an email provides tangible proof for authorities that you have informed the person of your intentions if this is a situation of stalking or harassment). If the behavior continues, you MUST follow through. Do not listen to any more of the message than you need to to discern that it is this person and delete it immediately. And then report it.
Now, this is just a suggestion. You need to decide for yourself what you are willing to accept and what you are not. And most importantly, what you are willing to do if your boundaries are not honored.
Now, some of you will think that you are being mean to follow through after you have set a boundary. But what I want to encourage you to consider is this: Is it "mean" for the other person to violate your boundaries? If you have expressed your wishes, (which is your absolute right to do) and have made it clear that you do not want this person blowing up your phone and leaving messages, isn't it rude and disrespectful of the person to continue to do so?
We must value that which we are trying to protect. If you value your time, space, and self, what are you willing to do stand up for your right to live your life the way you see fit? What are you attracting into your life? Teach people how to treat you.
We teach people how to treat us. If you have issued warning after warning, and have not followed through, what do people learn? They learn that you are not serious. They learn that you are all talk and no go.
It is important to choose your follow-up action carefully. If you don't like to "kick butt", and really don't intend to follow through with that action, that is a poor action to choose. Follow-up action needs to be something that you are very comfortable with and that you intend to employ, if needed.
If someone is leaving messages on your phone and you don't want them to do that anymore, what are your options?
You can change your number.
You can call them and tell them to stop or else...
You can tell them that you refuse to listen to the messages and you are deleting them.
There are any number of things you can do. What feels right for you and what are you comfortable doing? What do you want?
There are no right or wrong answers. Just know, that if you choose to call them and tell them to stop, there is a good chance they will continue. Why? Because there is no reason for them not to. You are giving them more attention by calling them and speaking to them, which may be exactly what they want. And now, you are reinforcing their unwanted behavior. If you choose to draw the line in the sand and don't follow through, that is fine, but then you must accept the consequences of your actions.
If you truly want peace from their unsolicited actions, you must be prepared to follow through and back up your boundaries.
A suggestion would be: send them a message, via the phone or email (depending upon the situation, you may not want to talk with them directly. This depends upon whether or not it's a stalking-type or harassing behavior), and ask them to please stop leaving messages on your voice mail. Inform them that you find the messages uncomfortable and distasteful and that if they continue you will no longer be listening them and that they will be deleted immediately, and you will then report the behavior to authorities. (Putting all of this in writing in an email provides tangible proof for authorities that you have informed the person of your intentions if this is a situation of stalking or harassment). If the behavior continues, you MUST follow through. Do not listen to any more of the message than you need to to discern that it is this person and delete it immediately. And then report it.
Now, this is just a suggestion. You need to decide for yourself what you are willing to accept and what you are not. And most importantly, what you are willing to do if your boundaries are not honored.
Now, some of you will think that you are being mean to follow through after you have set a boundary. But what I want to encourage you to consider is this: Is it "mean" for the other person to violate your boundaries? If you have expressed your wishes, (which is your absolute right to do) and have made it clear that you do not want this person blowing up your phone and leaving messages, isn't it rude and disrespectful of the person to continue to do so?
1 comment:
So very, very true!
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